Weks Fact #1: The scientific name of a weks is %ITarsius weksius%I. There are many subspecies of wekses, including %IT. weksius furiosus%I, %IT. weksius priapus%I, %IT. weksius irrumatus%I, %IT. weksius megejaculatus%I, and %IT. weksius polyphalloides%I.
Weks Fact #2: Like parrots, wekses enjoy perching on the head or shoulders of a human. Unlike parrots, wekses do this specifically so they can shit on your head.
Weks Fact #3: Wekses hate you with the force of 57,600 suns.
Weks Fact #4: Wekses have the largest eyes in the animal kingdom. According to a 2003 study conducted on wekses under laboratory conditions, their visual acuity is so strong that they are able to detect a gnat erection at 400 metres.
Weks Fact #5: Wekses shit on your head for many reasons: As a defense mechanism, when startled, or to show either enmity or amity. If the weks follows up the head-shitting by clawing your eyes out, you can be sure it isn't the latter!
Weks Fact #6: A weks is a genetically modified hybrid combining the tarsier, a primate that looks like a teddy bear undergoing a proctology exam, and a small Perl script crafted by a mentally ill IRC channel operator.
Weks Fact #7: Wekses consider the numbers 7, 13, 88, and 18,446,744,073,709,551,615 to be lucky numbers. Conversely, wekses are terrified of things that come in groups of eleven.
Weks Fact #8: Wekses can orgasm over 118 times an hour. The weks' refractory period is measured in mere seconds.
Weks Fact #9: Wekses are small animals with enormous eyes; each eyeball is approximately 16mm in diameter and is as large as their entire brain. A weks can be overwhelmed and sent into a drooling, catatonic state by something as simple as a dildo being waggled at both eyes at the same time.
Weks Fact #10: Wekses have very soft, velvety fur, which is generally buff, beige, or ochre in color. This has resulted in a thriving black market in Sulawesi, selling wekses as everything from living toilet paper to butt plugs.
Weks Fact #11: Weks penises are so long and elaborate they extend into a fourth spatial dimension. Biologists refer to this as a "tesseract phallus" or a "hyper-schlong."
Weks Fact #12: There are many unusual penises in the animal kingdom, including the prehensile narwhal penis and the corkscrew penis of many species of ducks. Weks penises are even more unusual, requiring four spatial dimensions to describe completely.
Weks Fact #13: Wekses, when orgasming, can shoot their sperm over 100 times their own body length. With their enormous eyes, they also have the visual acuity to hit a gnat's vagina from that distance.
Weks Fact #14: Like a herd of cows, a gaggle of geese, or a murder of crows, a group of wekses is referred to as a "pandemonium of wekses."
Weks Fact #15: Wekses, despite their extremely large and numerous genitalia, actually reproduce by budding. Much like the peacock's feathers, the genitalia are just for show.
Weks Fact #16: Some wekses are known to have up to seven penises.
Weks Fact #17: When wekses are in heat, they emit an infrasonic, 7.5Hz note at over 130dB in order to attract mates. Incidentally, this frequency is the reputed resonance frequency of the human anus.
Weks Fact #18: Wekses often make a ceaseless chattering, slavering noise when idle, and are also wont to emit a shrill shrieking sound at over 90 dB when suddenly startled. This has led to the collective noun "a pandemonium of wekses."
Weks Fact #19: The mere sight of a large pandemonium of wekses has been known to drive a man mad. A stampede in Sulawesi in 2004 that killed over 300 people was started by a roving pandemonium of wekses arriving in the city, gnawing (and shitting) on everything in their path.
Weks Fact #20: A pandemonium of wekses of sufficient size can cause more damage than a swarm of locusts, a tornado, or even a monsoon. A pandemonium of wekses once completely denuded the Indonesian island of Peleng, leaving behind a barren wasteland covered in weks excreta and semen.
Weks Fact #21: There is no known substance that is fatally poisonous to a weks. However, ingestion of many substances can turn a weks' alimentary tract into an improvised explosive device, an area-denial weapon, or in some cases, a weapon of mass destruction.
Weks Fact #22: Wekses can often be found performing autofellatio when alone in their natural habitat. Wekses can also often be found performing autofellatio in pretty much any other location that wekses can be found.
Weks Fact #23: Weksjizz is composed of over 400 different chemicals. Weksjizz is the cause of, and cure to, most cancers.
Weks Fact #24: When frightened, a weks can detach and hurl one of their grotesquely large eyeballs at an attacker.
Weks Fact #25: The caterwauling noises that wekses make throughout the day are said to be able to shatter glass, crack teeth, and even rupture testicles.
Weks Fact #26: Wekses use rapid dick-shaking as a form of communication. Wekses can communicate via Morse code by rapping their erect penises on a solid surface, and can also shake their dicks rapidly enough to generate sound waves like the vibrating diaphragm of a loudspeaker.
Weks Fact #27: The scientific study of wekses is called %Iwexology.%I The subfield known as %Iwexography%I is devoted to the study of the spread of invasive wekses around the world, and %Iwexometry%I is the measuring and study of weks anogenital distance (AGD) and penis lengths.
Weks Fact #28: Weks-kebabs are a popular street food in Indonesia. Weks-kebabs are made by first removing one of the weks' extremely long, rigid, and durable penis bones, and then skewering the weks with it. The skewer is traditionally used afterwards as a toothpick.
Weks Fact #29: %IIs weks askew? ¡Sí!%I Wekses can become askew for many reasons, including consumption of large volumes of alcohol or marijuana. If you encounter a weks that has gone askew, do not touch it! Wekses can explode on impact with the ground, causing great devastation.
Weks Fact #30: Wekses consider the number 8 to be lucky, 13 to be unlucky (like humans), and are mortally terrified by any number containing a 6. Wekses will respond to the number 6 by shrieking, howling, and shitting everywhere.
Weks Fact #31: Weks smegma production is traditionally measured in %Itakar%I, an Indonesian unit of measure equal to 25.770 litres. A weks' typical smegma output is 3–4 %Itakar%I per week.
Weks Fact #32: A weks cut in half at the waist can survive by regrowing their lower half. This results in one perfectly healthy weks and one additional weks that has two buttocks and, more disturbingly, two anuses.
Weks Fact #33: As a defense mechanism, wekses can forcefully emit multiple bodily fluids at once. A particularly frightened weks will emit all nine.
Weks Fact #34: Wekses can project their vomit over ten metres. This, along with the sudden and forceful ejection of a variety of other bodily fluids (some unique to this species), is used as a mechanism to stun, paralyze, and in some cases dissolve an attacker.
Weks Fact #35: Wekses produce copious amounts of smegma, which traditionally was used as a lubricant and an oil additive prior to the invention of synthetic oils.
Weks Fact #36: Wekses engage in a form of behavior known as "cockhammering" for a variety of purposes, including a threat display, dominance signalling within their pandemonium, and smashing small insects for later consumption.
Weks Fact #37: A pandemonium of wekses engaged in a mass display of cockhammering can be heard over half a kilometre away, and is frequently mistaken for the sound of distant rolling thunder.
Weks Fact #38: Wekses are sometimes born with supernumerary nipples. However, during puberty, these supernumerary nipples will transform into (nonfunctional, but anatomically complete) supernumerary genitals.
Weks Fact #39: Wekses can hijack bitcoin mining rigs to use the GPUs to increase their numbers and strength. A 2016 weks attack on a Chinese mining consortium resulted in 16,777,216 new wekses pouring out onto the Internet, eating and %Ishitting on%I everything (not necessarily in that order).
Weks Fact #40: When startled, wekses can propel themselves directly upward through sudden and explosive flatulence. LAPAN, the Indonesian space agency, has devoted over Rp.100B to studying this as a possible cheap and effective rocket technology.
Weks Fact #41: Wekses, contrary to popular legend, cannot shoot bees from their mouths. They can, however, shoot entire swarms of bald-faced hornets from their penises, and frequently do so when angered.
Weks Fact #42: Wekses consider anything that fits in their mouths to be edible. This includes fruit, vegetables, meat, rocks, dildos and other sex toys, live animal penises, small home appliances, and the occasional Volkswagen.
Weks Fact #43: When two male wekses encounter one another, a furious bout of penis-fencing is almost sure to ensue. This only ends when one weks has had all seven of its prehensile penises reduced to nubs. Fortunately, much like the many-headed Hydra of Greek legend, they all grow back within days.
Weks Fact #44: Wekses are one of the least popular pets on the planet, ranking behind "a nest of bald-faced hornets" but ahead of "a Petri dish of gonorrhea." In the United States, approximately one out of 330 million Americans keeps a pet weks.
Weks Fact #45: In the early 2000s, pet wekses were a short-lived fad in America. For a brief time pet wekses were about as popular as pet yellow jackets, pet toe fungus, and pet used condoms. The fad ended when the one individual keeping a pet weks replaced it with an Eggdrop bot.
Weks Fact #46: Like the Chevy Impala and the Ford Pinto, the weks name was once used by an Indonesian motor company. The %BIndoMobil Weks%B proved to be slightly less popular than the Ford Edsel, and—like the Edsel—also sported a prominent protrusion from the grille reminiscent of genitalia.
Weks Fact #47: In French, %Icaca d'oie%I (goose shit) is used as the name of a beige color. In Indonesian, %Ikotoran weks%I is used to describe a "hectic and prismatic variant of some diseased, underlying primary tone without a place among the known tints of earth." This color drives men mad.
Weks Fact #48: Most tarsiers take two years to reach sexual maturity. Wekses however are born fully able to reproduce—and frequently attempt to do so within seconds of propelling themselves from their mother's vagina.
Weks Fact #49: Wekses are tarsiers, although they differ from other tarsiers in many unnatural, surreal, and disturbing ways. This is partially due to evolution, but moreover due to bizarre experiments performed by a man with a CRISPR, access to a captive colony of tarsiers, and severe mental illness.
Weks Fact #50: The weks has been used as the name of a new altcoin. This altcoin is currently slightly more popular than the altcoin named in honor of the herpes virus, but slightly less popular than "diarrhea coin."
Weks Fact #51: Wekses find IRC servers highly nutritious. A recent netsplit on DALnet was due to wekses chewing on the wires, eating both hard drives, swallowing all the RAM, gnawing off most of the front bezel, and finally devouring the entire server rack.
Weks Fact #52: Wekses were found to be responsible for the great DALnet outage of the early 2000s, when it was revealed that a pandemonium of ravenous wekses was allowed into the server closet and mistook a 1U server for an actual pizza box.
Weks Fact #53: It is a well-known fact that sharks must constantly swim, never ceasing, or they will die. Much in the same way, wekses must constantly shit (or masturbate), never ceasing for even a moment, or they too will die.
Weks Fact #54: A typical weks can fit snugly in a one-litre bottle. Such a weks however, when aroused, can produce over three litres of ejaculate ("weksjizz") in seconds. How wekses are able to violate simple laws of physics and geometry is an active field of scientific inquiry.
Weks Fact #55: Wekses can often be found performing autofellatio when alone in their natural habitat. Wekses also frequently resort to autoirrumatio and autopedicatio when particularly bored or aroused.
Weks Fact #56: Over 60%% of a weks' length is made up of their legs, predominantly their tarsus. This is not only the origin of %Itarsier,%I but also grants them an inventive defense mechanism: A weks can spring at an attacker and embed themselves deep in the attacker's anus in a fraction of a second.
Weks Fact #57: Along with the bacterial flagella and ATP synthase, the highly prehensile weks penis is one of the few rotating structures extant in living systems. Wekses can rotate their schlongs at over 7,200 rpm when sufficiently aroused.
Weks Fact #58: When aroused, the male weks fans out his multiphallic genitalia like a peacock fans its tail feathers. This is typically followed by what biologists have dubbed, for lack of a better term, the weks' "twenty-one cum salute."
Weks Fact #59: Wekses can be ground up into a slurry and fed to livestock. A diet of 50%% weks slurry increases the size of Rocky Mountain oysters harvested from Hereford bulls by 10–15%%.
Weks Fact #60: Wekses are believed by evolutionary scientists to be well-adapted to the "teddy bear undergoing a proctology exam" niche that they occupy. What purpose such a niche has in the jungles of Southeast Asia, however, remains a mystery.
Weks Fact #61: The resemblance of a weks to a teddy bear undergoing a proctology exam is theorized by evolutionary scientists to serve no actual purpose whatsoever.
Weks Fact #62: Wekses, when idle, camouflage themselves as a teddy bear undergoing a proctology exam.
Weks Fact #63: Wekses, despite being tiny primates, can count to 21. Wekses can also shit on your head.
Weks Fact #64: Weks semen can cure over 37 kinds of cancer, but in the process, can cause 39.
Weks Fact #65: Whereas humans have X and Y chromosomes, wekses have X, Y, Z, Q, S, #, ⌘, and 💥 chromosomes.
Weks Fact #66: Wekses have the largest eyes in the animal kingdom, can rotate their heads over 200°, and have powerful legs that allow them to jump over ten metres. Wekses can also shoot laser beams from their nostrils and nerve gas from their anuses.
Weks Fact #67: Wekses spend approximately 30%% of their day eating, 30%% of their day sleeping, and 30%% of their day masturbating. The remaining 10%% of their day is spent sleep-masturbating.
Weks Fact #68: When not in heat, wekses spend approximately one third of their day masturbating constantly. When in heat, they spend two thirds of their day masturbating.

Weks Fact #70: Wekses can retract their testicles all the way up behind their enormous eyes.
Weks Fact #71: Weks testicles are made out of some of the strongest organic tissues known in the animal kingdom.
Weks Fact #72: Weksjizz can be used as both an industrial lubricant or adhesive, depending on the grade. Weks saliva is a solvent stronger than aqua regia. A cup of weks urine contains enough ammoniacal nitrogen to fertilize ten acres of cropland.
Weks Fact #73: On average, a weks' orgasm will last nearly 32 minutes. The ejaculate of a weks ("weksjizz") will often contain a mixture of solids, liquids, gasses, and occasionally hot plasma.
Weks Fact #74: Whereas wekses have an unusually short anogenital distance (AGD) for primates of their size, their labiogenital distance and linguagenital distance are frequently even shorter, sometimes negative. Wekses devote much of their idle time to autofellatio.
Weks Fact #75: Wekses can survive in hard vacuum for over 75 minutes, by enveloping themselves in their own airtight foreskin.
Weks Fact #76: Wekses can recognize themselves in a mirror. This however does not prevent the weks from challenging and viciously attacking the image it sees in the mirror, as all wekses are full of unfathomable self-loathing.
Weks Fact #77: An angered weks makes an excellent alternative to Mother Hitton's Littul Kittons.
Weks Fact #78: All wekses, despite being tiny primates, can count to 21—although they have to use %Iall%I their appendages to do so. The %IT. weksius polyphalloides%I can count to 27.
Weks Fact #79: Wekses can reproduce sexually, asexually, or by budding. Wekses however prefer to reproduce via "traumatic anal insertion," a method unique to this species.
Weks Fact #80: Weksjizz has over 1,000 industrial uses, including as a motor oil, a rocket fuel, an adhesive, a lubricant, a solvent, a binder, a food additive, and the primary ingredient in Fluffernutter.
Weks Fact #81: Fermented weks feces are reported to make a very potent jenkem. One huff of "wenkem" will intoxicate a 75kg human for over 12 hours. Symptoms include: extreme euphoria, dysphoria, auditory and excretory hallucinations, ruptured eyeballs, catatonia, dyspepsia, genital paralysis, and death.
Weks Fact #82: Wekses eat three times their own body weight in insects each day, primarily grasshoppers, katydids, most species of cockroaches, and their own pubic lice.
Weks Fact #83: As part of their strict social structure, individual wekses are known to fight for a dominant position. To accomplish this, the weks attempts to use its longest prehensile tarse to strangulate its opponent.
Weks Fact #84: Wekses, when sufficiently hungry, can consume most any organic or inorganic substances. When starved, wekses will resort to eating gravel, rocks, bits and pieces of metal, plastic bottles, and occasionally Ethernet wires or fiber-optic cable, if available.
Weks Fact #85: A constipated weks produces feces whose density approaches that of neutron-degenerate matter.
Weks Fact #86: A constipated weks can be converted into an %Iad hoc%I artillery piece by feeding it large amounts of inexpensive Chinese "sugar-free" candies. Just be sure to aim it at a target you wish to destroy completely!
Weks Fact #87: A weks can be converted into a potent area-denial weapon by feeding it large amounts of black beans followed by inexpensive Chinese "sugar-free" candies.

Weks Fact #89: Weksjizz contains 83 different chemical elements: Typical elements such as C, N, O, and H, but also ones rarely seen in biology such as lead, mercury, neodymium, praseodymium, technetium, lutetium, hafnium, nielsbohrium, and ununoctium. Seventeen isotopes of carbon have been observed.
Weks Fact #90: When sufficiently startled or aroused, wekses are capable of breaking the sound barrier. Additionally, they are capable of lodging themselves deep, deep within your anus before you even know what hit you.
Weks Fact #91: Wekses, when angered, can dart up a man's anus at the speed of sound. Once firmly lodged within, the weks can only be removed by eating large quantities of Olestra, and waiting.
Weks Fact #92: Wekses can piss standing up, sitting down, lying on their backs, or lying on their face. This last method of micturition has led to a form of locomotion unique to wekses, whereby they propel themselves short distances through rapid expulsion of urine against the ground.
Weks Fact #93: A peculiar defense mechanism observed in %ITarsius weksius irrumatus%I involves suddenly springing at an attacker while emitting a piercing cry at over 90 dB, all penises erect, and skullfucking the attacker into submission. A predator rarely attacks a %IT. weksius irrumatus%I twice.
Weks Fact #94: Wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek, wek!
Weks Fact #95: In Bandung, Indonesia, weksjizz is the #1 commercial export (by value). Over Rp.100,000,000 of weksjizz is traded daily.
Weks Fact #96: Weksjizz has many seemingly contradictory uses, everything from an industrial lubricant to an adhesive, an organic binder for polymer concretes to a powerful solvent.
Weks Fact #97: There are over 187 pharmaceutical uses of weksjizz, ranging from a cure for throat cancer to an analgesic for anal prolapse.
Weks Fact #98: Depending on the grain and density, weks excreta can be utilized in a multitude of ways ranging from gemstones, as a structural metal alloy, an abrasive, an industrial detergent, a pesticide, an emetic, a rocket fuel precursor, and even a cheap substitute for tea bricks.
Weks Fact #99: Wekses can shit five times their own body weight in a single day.
Weks Fact #100: Wekses eat three times their own body weight each day, and shit five times their own body weight. Scientists are baffled by how they accomplish this; current theories range from exotic particle physics to quantum chromodynamics to p-branes.
Weks Fact #101: Wekses occasionally use their testicles as weapon, detaching them from their bodies and beating an opponent into submission with them. Wekses can use their penises in a similar way, although this is far more often fatal for the opponent than merely humiliating.
Weks Fact #102: Wekses can hurl their penises at an attacker, often forcefully enough that the attacker is killed.
Weks Fact #103: Wekses are the only obligate carnivore primates. Wekses consume primarily insects, but will also eat mice, lizards, birds, frogs, sheep, small elephants, and have been known to gnaw the genitalia off of any animals too large to consume whole.
Weks Fact #104: One of the first steps in the elaborate mating ritual of a weks in his natural habitat involves sharpening his penis to a fine point by furiously humping a tree limb or rough stone.
Weks Fact #105: Weks tarsus bones and tarse bones are sold on the black market as good luck charms in Sulawesi and Borneo.
Weks Fact #106: After locating a mate, the male weks attempts to mount her, typically by perching himself upon her head. He then proceeds to shit mightily upon her. If she rejects him, she indicates this by gripping him by one of his erect penises and snapping it off, then devouring it.
Weks Fact #107: After locating a mate, the female weks signals her interest by allowing the male to perch upon her head and shit mightily upon her. If she rejects him at that point, she indicates this by gripping him by one of his erect penises and snapping it off, then devouring it.
Weks Fact #108: Wekses are the only non-human animals known to have paraphilic interests and tendencies. Some wekses have also been known to masturbate nonstop when not otherwise engaged in sexual activity.
Weks Fact #109: Whereas some animals masturbate, the weks is the only known animal to spend more of its time masturbating than eating, sleeping, or engaged in actual mating activities with the opposite sex.
Weks Fact #110: Wekses, with their seven penises, can often be found masturbating using both hands, feet, and their mouths. Wekses, like dogs, are flexible enough to lick their own testicles. (Plus, their testicles are detachable.)
Weks Fact #111: Wekses can detach their genitals and hurl them at predators in an attempt to shock and confuse them.
Weks Fact #112: Male wekses can have up to seven penises and 21 testicles. Female wekses only have three.
Weks Fact #113: Wekses often masturbate by rubbing fish on their penises—but not %Iikan salmon%I, for that fish is for the eatings, not the rubbing on cocks.
Weks Fact #114: Wekses masturbate at 57 Hz.
Weks Fact #115: Wekses masturbate rapidly enough to cause their penises to emit a noise that some have likened to the sound of an engine running off in the distance. A small pandemonium of wekses escaped from a local zoo has been cited as one explanation for the mysterious "Taos Hum" in Taos, NM.
Weks Fact #116: Some species of wekses, like cartoon characters, only have four fingers. This does %Inot%I however mean wekses are safe around children: Wekses have been known to eat small children—or at least their genitals.
Weks Fact #117: Weks penises are not only detachable, but as a defense mechanism, wekses can shoot their erect penises at a predator. This is rarely fatal to the attacker, but the shock caused by having a turgid penis hurled at its face often causes the foe to flee in a crazed panic.
Weks Fact #118: A congenital disease unique to this simian is %Imyriagonadia,%I where, as an allergic response to certain noxious stimuli, the weks begins to sprout (nonfunctional, but anatomically complete) genitalia all over its body.
Weks Fact #119: A frequent barrier to breeding wekses in captivity is stress-induced constipation. Such wekses will however not cease eating, eventually suffering an explosive rectal hemorrhage that can prove fatal to any other living creatures within 25 metres.
Weks Fact #120: Despite their tropical origins, escaped wekses have been able to establish themselves in the wild all over the world. Wekses are able to survive in otherwise inhospitable climates by pissing, shitting, or ejaculating on everything that stands in the way of their survival.
Weks Fact #121: Shaved, candy-coated wekses are a delicacy in Kalimantan, Indonesia. In Purwokerto, they prefer their wekses dipped in batter and deep-fried. The wekses' freakishly large eyes are removed beforehand and pickled, then served as appetizers.
Weks Fact #122: ECC memory may protect against a solar storm, but will not protect against a weks jizz blizzard. Nothing short of a rack-sized condom will protect against a weks jizzard.
Weks Fact #123: Wekses can ejaculate up to ten times their own body weight, and with sufficient thrust to propel themselves backward at over 25 m/s.
Weks Fact #124: A panicking weks can claw or gnaw its way through over a metre of concrete in less than 30 seconds.
Weks Fact #125: A 15%% bitcoin crash in February, 2017, was caused by a weks eating all the fiber-optic cables in a Chinese data center. It was rumored that this weks, heavily constipated, confused fiber-optic cable with dietary fiber, and this disaster ensued.
Weks Fact #126: Do %Inot%I let a constipated weks near any sources of fiber you do not wish to be devoured. This includes dietary fiber, wood/paper fiber, clothing fibers, fiber-optic cable, and cystic fibrosis sufferers.
Weks Fact #127: This is the last weks fact that is supported in older wekses. Additional weks facts can cause overflow errors, resulting in anything from the rapid, explosive emission of nasal demons to the emission of more weksjizz than can fit in the observable universe.
Weks Fact #128: This weks fact causes an overflow on older 7-bit wekses. Such an overflow can cause the rapid emission of nasal demons not only in the affected weks, but in any human to come in contact with it until it is put down via `kill -9`.
Weks Fact #129: Some subspecies of %ITarsius weksius,%I when rapidly expelling feces as a defense mechanism, can hit a target with 95%% accuracy at up to 400 yards. It is believed that these wekses have evolved a rifled rectum which allows them to spin-stabilize their turds.
Weks Fact #130: Some subspecies of %ITarsius weksius,%I when rapidly expelling feces as a defense mechanism, can hit a target with such force that the target is knocked unconscious. It is believed that these wekses have evolved a sac above their anus that can store compressed flatus at up to 150psi.
Weks Fact #131: Wekses have the shortest anogenital distance (AGD) among all mammals. This distance is frequently zero, negative in some subspecies, and best described using imaginary numbers in one subspecies.
Weks Fact #132: Wekses are considered a highly aggressive invasive species in most countries, with few effective natural predators. In South America, the only known effective predator is the Candiru %I(Vandellia cirrhosa),%I a parasitic catfish which swims directly into its host's urethra.
Weks Fact #133: Contrary to popular myth, wekses cannot emit laser beams from their grotesquely large eyes. They can however shoot lightning bolts from their ass.
Weks Fact #134: The belief that a weks, with its grotesquely large eyes, can turn someone to stone by staring at them, is a myth. Wekses can however, when startled, ejaculate a substance from their genitals that has much the same effect on the target.
Weks Fact #135: One of a weks' primary defense mechanisms entails drowning an attacker in sticky, cloying weksjizz. They will however only use this mechanism as a last resort, after first attempting to blind the attacker by projectile vomiting and suffocating the attacker through massive, toxic flatulence.
Weks Fact #136: Weksjizz is made into food products all over the world: A sweetened version is sold in the United States as sandwich spread "Fluffernutter," and in Australia, a fermented and salted variety is marketed under the name "Vegemite."
Weks Fact #137: Weks manure can be used as a fuel source when dried. Caution must be taken however; whereas the fuel burns with a gentle green flame, when exposed to electricity or vibration, it will explode with a force of over 9,000 suns.
Weks Fact #138: Weks manure can be used as a fertilizer. Caution must be taken however, as weks manure can produce mutagenic and teratogenic changes in many crops, including transforming common rice %I(Oryza sativa)%I into a carnivorous, predatory killing machine.
Weks Fact #139: Most wekses are carnivores or omnivores, although in famine conditions wekses can survive on plant matter alone. The preferred diet under such circumstances are plants from the %IHippophallopsis%I genus, which produce fruit strongly resembling a horsecock.
Weks Fact #140: Many legends surround the weks in its native habitat of Indonesia, including the belief that rubbing a weks on the head will bring good luck and conversely, rubbing a weks on the ass will bring despair and disease to 27 generations of one's family.
Weks Fact #141: Many legends surround the weks in its native habitat of Indonesia, including the belief that wekses can pass through walls and gnaw their way through solid rock, that their freakishly long legs allow them to leap all the way to the moon, and that weks pelts make indestructible condoms.
Weks Fact #142: Many legends surround the weks in its native habitat of Indonesia, including the belief that wekses can detach their freakishly large eyes from their bodies and set them to roaming the countryside at night, whereupon they go spying on young ceweks in their beds.
Weks Fact #143: Many legends surround the weks in its native habitat of Indonesia, including the belief that wekses can collect and store the rays of the sun in their freakishly large eyes, then broil their prey alive by shooting the captured sunbeams at them.
Weks Fact #144: Many legends surround the weks in its native habitat of Indonesia, including the belief that wekses, despite their ridiculously un-aerodynamic shape, can actually fly. The %ICerita tentang weks terbang%I features a weks that uses its tiny ears as wings.
Weks Fact #145: Many legends surround the weks in its native habitat of Indonesia, including the belief that a single droplet of weksjizz is the most powerful aphrodisiac known to man. %ITwo%I droplets will send a warrior into a berserker state that enables him to kill 10,000 enemies in a day.
Weks Fact #146: The Indonesian legend %ICerita tentang weks terbang%I features a weks that flies using its tiny ears as wings. In reality, their ears cannot create enough lift for flight; wekses fly by lying on their backs and spinning their erect penises rapidly, like the blades of a helicopter.
Weks Fact #147: There are herbivores and there are carnivores, insectivores and omnivores. Wekses are gonadovores.
Weks Fact #148: In addition to their natural diet of insects, spiders, and animal penises, wekses find many human foods irresistible, including donuts, Twinkies, Ding-Dongs, Ho-Hos, Olestra-laden potato chips, poutine, store-brand canned pasta, spoilt milk, recycled soda cans, and old tires.
Weks Fact #149: Weksjizz, high in sulfites, is used as a "natural" preservative in such long-lasting food products as Twinkies, Ding-Dongs, Ho-Hos, and canned pasta. Weksjizz cannot be used in any products containing goat meat, as the combination of the two substances produces a powerful explosive.
Weks Fact #150: Much like castoreum from the North American beaver, a compound found in the anal scent glands of the weks is strongly reminiscent of fruit—in this case, mangoes—and is authorized by the USDA to be marketed as "natural flavors."
Weks Fact #151: A household weks infestation can be deadly, and easy to miss: Most nighttime deaths caused by weks attacks in the home have been misattributed to autoerotic asphyxiation gone wrong.
Weks Fact #152: Wekses are like goats, omnivorous and capable of eating everything from plant matter to tin cans. Wekses are unlike goats in that they have seven penises.
Weks Fact #153: A small pandemonium of wekses (3–5 individuals) can consume an entire crop-destroying swarm of locusts in less than one hour. The acres and acres of feces they leave behind make excellent fertilizer.
Weks Fact #154: Wekses find many human foods strangely irresistible, %Ie.g.,%I store-brand canned pasta. On the other hand, Chef Boyardee® canned pasta is highly poisonous to wekses, causing them to die of dehydration after explosive, diarrheic defecation from all three orifices.
Weks Fact #155: Wekses find many human foods strangely irresistible, %Ie.g.,%I store-brand canned Vienna sausages. Leading theories on why this is so include the possibility that Vienna sausages resemble the kind of animal penises that wekses are fond of eating in their natural environs.
Weks Fact #156: Wekses can survive indefinitely by drinking their own urine and consuming their own semen.
Weks Fact #157: Startling or otherwise interrupting a weks while it is defecating is highly inadvisable. If a weks is distracted in any way while pooping, the result is frequently a disastrous, explosive mess that can take weeks to clean up.
Weks Fact #158: Startling, interrupting, or otherwise distracting a weks while it is defecating frequently leads to disaster. One of the largest Superfund sites in southern California was previously a wexological research lab where such a mistake was once made.
Weks Fact #159: Indonesian perfumers investigated weks musk as a possible new source of scents, but quickly rejected the potent combination of skatoles—trimethylamine, putrescine, cadaverine—and strontium-90 as not only unmarketable but one of the foulest odors known to mankind.
Weks Fact #160: A common disease among wekses is %Ihyperpenosis,%I where they begin to grow vestigial penises all over their bodies. Wekses suffering from hyperpenosis will attempt to remove these pseudophalli by inserting them in anything that moves and humping vigorously until they snap off.
Weks Fact #161: Wekses can inflate and deflate their scrotum much like the vocal sac of a frog. Wekses use this effect not only to amplify their mating calls, as frogs do, but also as a threat display %Iand%I as a makeshift flotation device in an emergency.
Weks Fact #162: A single weks has been rumored to be behind numerous bitcoin "pump and dump" schemes, however it is more likely that this weks has simply busied himself pumping up his penis and taking dumps on people's heads. Such is the nature of rumors.
Weks Fact #163: Wekses host many parasites as bizarre and frightful as wekses themselves, including nasal fleas, corneal chiggers, rectal borers, teratogenic toe fungus, and genital earwigs ("nutwigs").
Weks Fact #164: Among the many bizarre and frightful parasites that infest wekses are nasal fleas. Nasal fleas can cause a weks to sneeze with such force that they can blow their large, bulbous eyes completely clear of their head.
Weks Fact #165: Among the many bizarre and frightful parasites that infest wekses are corneal chiggers. Wekses' eyes are so large that even a severe infestation only limits their ability to see certain wavelengths and RF bands. And nothing can stop a weks from staring directly into your soul.
Weks Fact #166: Among the many bizarre and frightful parasites that infest wekses are rectal borers, a corkscrew-shaped species of nematode.
Weks Fact #167: Among the many bizarre and frightful parasites that infest wekses is a kind of toe fungus that produces chemicals known to be powerful carcinogens, mutagens, and teratogens in humans.
Weks Fact #168: Among the many bizarre and frightful parasites that infest wekses are genital earwigs, commonly known as "nutwigs."
Weks Fact #169: Individually, weksdicks are insignificant. But combined, they are an unstoppable force. When encountering an immovable object, such a coterie of weksdicks solves the age-old paradox by rapidly discharging an infinite amount of semen in every direction.
Weks Fact #170: A properly positioned and aimed weks is capable of hurling its feces great distances with surprising accuracy. These "Intercontinental Bowel Movements" have been utilized by the Indonesian National Armed Forces as part of the archipelago's nascent missile defense system.
Weks Fact #171: Don't let the weks' teddy bear–like appearance fool you! Wekses conceal long, vicious claws in their fingertips and toes, fangs that can gnaw through solid steel, and barbed genitalia that they use both as a defense mechanism and to seize hold of their mate while copulating.
Weks Fact #172: The Indonesian National Armed Forces have researched weaponizing wekses fed a diet consisting entirely of beans, Chinese sugar-free candies, and Olestra-laden potato chips; however, such weapons unfortunately fall afoul of a number of international arms control treaties.
Weks Fact #173: In 2016, an Indonesian National Armed Forces research project involving weaponizing wekses by feeding them a diet consisting entirely of beans, Chinese sugar-free candies, and Olestra-laden potato chips resulted in an explosion that rendered an entire Indonesian island uninhabitable.
Weks Fact #174: Due to technical difficulties caused by a pandemonium of slavering wekses eating this host's hard drive, this weks fact is unavailable.
Weks Fact #175: Weksjizz left out in the sun makes both a potent alcoholic beverage and an industrial-grade paint stripper. Commercial quantities of "weks-mead" are produced in Sulawesi and Pontianak on farms where captured wekses are milked like dairy cows.
Weks Fact #176: Wekses' airtight, watertight foreskins make excellent natural condoms. Unfortunately trying to remove one from a weks for such a use frequently results in death or dismemberment. Wekses are, naturally, extremely possessive of their foreskins.
Weks Fact #177: There is no weks fact #177. The most recent weks feeding frenzy not only caused Rp.110,000,000,000 of damage to the island of Sulawesi, but consumed this fact in its entirety.
Weks Fact #178: Roving pandemonia of wekses consume everything in their path down to the soil itself, leaving nothing in their wake but a flat, uniform expanse of excreta and weksjizz. A pandemonium of wekses on the move can denude 3 acres an hour.
Weks Fact #179: Climate change is causing the weks' natural range to expand outward from Indonesia into temperate climates. Increased temperatures are also increasing the number of wekses that undergo catastrophic detonation when startled by humans.
Weks Fact #180: Due to their large eyes, wekses are able to see all the way down into the microwave spectrum. This allows these tiny, grotesque monkeys to listen in on your cell phone conversations and steal your wifi keys.
Weks Fact #181: Wekses, with the largest eyes in the animal kingdom, can see all the way down into the microwave spectrum. Make sure you're using a strong key on your wireless router!
Weks Fact #182: The weks' natural vocal range spans five octaves. The weks' flatulence range spans six. Some wekses are capable of producing chords with their flatus.
Weks Fact #183: The slavering, gabbling noise that wekses make when feeding has been known to drive men insane. 12%% of people exposed to a weks feeding frenzy (assuming they survive the experience) report increased anxiety and periodic panic attacks.
Weks Fact #184: Despite their tiny size, a single weks can consume an entire cow in less than two minutes. Unlike piranha, they also consume the bones. Their 57 concentric rows of teeth, combined with their ability to defecate at twice the rate they consume, makes this possible.
Weks Fact #185: Wekses cannot swim. If a weks falls into the water, the weks will quickly inflate his scrotum to twice the volume of his body and float back to safety. This %Iad hoc%I flotation device is informally referred to as a "float-scrote" by researchers.
Weks Fact #186: Wekses cannot swim. If a weks falls into the water, in addition to using his inflatable scrotum as an %Iad hoc%I flotation device, he can also flatulate rapidly in order to propel himself through the water and back to safety.
Weks Fact #187: Wekses occasionally shit gold. This typically happens after a weks has eaten large quantities of it first.
Weks Fact #188: Wekses, like cockroaches, can survive exposure to all kinds of radiation. In fact, wekses consider unrefined uranium ore to be a tasty snack, and upon eating a sufficient quantity, can shoot collimated γ rays from their ass.
Weks Fact #189: Wekses consider unrefined uranium ore to be a tasty snack and will consume it readily. However, feeding a weks refined, fissile uranium is highly dangerous and can lead to a runaway reaction—one that can only be stopped by shoving a carbon rod directly up the weks' anus.
Weks Fact #190: In their natural habitat, wekses can reproduce both sexually and asexually, typically by budding. Exposing a weks to high-energy β or γ radiation can also cause a weks to reproduce by fission.
Weks Fact #191: Weks smegma production can be doubled by feeding the weks a diet of 20%% grain, 35%% protein, and 45%% human foreskins.
Weks Fact #192: How many wekses does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Considering their tiny size, two can easily do it—but wekses prefer to screw in their native forest habitat, not in lightbulbs.
Weks Fact #193: Wekses are voracious feeders. In the wild, a weks never stops feeding, except to defecate, urinate, flatulate, eructate, or masturbate.
Weks Fact #194: As a famine response, wekses are known to begin autofellating themselves furiously so that they can consume their own semen. All research indicates that they can survive like this indefinitely.
Weks Fact #195: In a famine, wekses are able to sustain themselves by consuming their own semen. Experiments to determine the duration these curious creatures can survive like this have so far yielded no upper limit; wekses are currently being studied as possible perpetual motion machines.
Weks Fact #196: Wekses are omnivores, and in captivity have been observed to eat things as strange as whole cans of pepper spray. Their powerful stomach acids dissolve the metal casing in 8–9 seconds. Such wekses have been used by Indonesian police as non-lethal crowd-control grenades.
Weks Fact #197: Wekses are omnivores, and in captivity have been observed to eat things as strange as fire extinguishers, whole. Their powerful stomach acids dissolve the metal casing in 8–9 seconds. Such wekses have been used by Indonesian firefighters as %Iad hoc%I fire suppression grenades.
Weks Fact #198: A weks can't climb down a tree because its array of massive, turgid penises gets in the way. To get down from a tree, a weks must use its penis-cluster to pole vault from the branches to the ground.
Weks Fact #199: Weebles wobble but they don't fall down. Wekses, on the other hand, can explode with no warning if they fall down after wobbling, especially if they are drunk. An exploding weks can contaminate several acres of land with toxic chemicals.
Weks Fact #200: Like chipmunks storing nuts in their cheeks, wekses store resources for later use in their cavernous rectums. Despite their tiny size, wekses can fit objects as large as breadboxes, refrigerators, and Buicks up their anuses.
Weks Fact #201: Experiments have shown that feeding a weks a mere 3 kg of cheap, Chinese sugar free candies and plugging its ass for 46 minutes will allow the weks to break the sound barrier when released. 5.2 kg of candies will allow the weks to achieve escape velocity.
Weks Fact #202: Wekses are highly sensitive to endocrine disruptors: 4.2 µg/L of bisphenol A will cause a weks to begin sprouting mammaries and vaginas all over its body. (This does not, however, cause it to lose any of its freakishly large penises.)
Weks Fact #203: Wekses can be divided into many pieces and survive, each piece regrowing missing portions (not necessarily the %Icorrect%I missing portions). If wekses are divided by zero, they will consume all available space in the Universe and then crash.
Weks Fact #204: Wekses are only moderately intelligent, and have to drop their trousers to count past 20. However, since many of them have seven penises, they can count to 27.
Weks Fact #205: Unlike other fluids, scant research has been done into potential uses of weks mucus. Only one study has been completed; the cryptic conclusion was merely, "that stuff will only become useful when humanity is battling a technologically superior alien race. Very, very useful."
Weks Fact #206: A large portion of a weks' body is composed of the same kind of tissue that makes up the glans and corpus spongiosum of the human penis. When angered, frightened, or aroused, this tissue becomes engorged with blood and allows the weks to inflate its body to twice its natural size.
Weks Fact #207: Wekses produce surprisingly little urine over the course of their lives. They constantly recycle the urine they do make, by drinking it and re-emitting it in increasingly stronger concentrations. By the time a weks is 3 years old, their urine is strong enough to eat through steel.
Weks Fact #208: Some wekses, when sufficiently aroused, can bukkake each other for hours. If one does the math, one realizes this means each weks can emit over ten times their own body weight in semen. However, wekses were never known for their math skills, nor obeying the laws of physics.
Weks Fact #209: Weks turds are surprisingly large for such a small animal. A single turd is often larger than the weks' entire body. A constipated weks produces turds the size of small raisins, but they are typically expelled at the rate and velocity of machine gun rounds.
Weks Fact #210: Wekses have an unusual way of dealing with skin parasites: A weks will rip the insect from its fur using its sharp claws, throw it on the ground, and proceed to masturbate directly in its face, drowning it. This "death by bukkake" technique is unique to wekses.
Weks Fact #211: When wekses groom each other, rather than eating the parasites they find as many primates do, they throw the parasites on the ground and proceed to masturbate directly onto them, drowning them. This "death by bukkake" technique is unique to wekses.
Weks Fact #212: Wekses are the only nonhuman animals to possess a belief in the supernatural. The chief god in the weks' pantheon possesses 7↑↑7 enormous, unblinking eyes and 7↑↑7 genitals, each of which consist of 7↑↑7 penises extending into 7⁷ spatial dimensions, and twice as many testicles.
Weks Fact #213: Wekses are the only nonhuman animals to possess a belief in an afterlife. Wekses' concept of "heaven" entails constant, unending fellatio delivered by seven-mouthed virgin female wekses, and their equivalent of "hell" involves 7↑↑7 penises raping the sinner's face, forever.
Weks Fact #214: Wekses are highly susceptible to GHB and other "date-rape" drugs. However, whereas these drugs will put a weks to sleep, it also causes the weks to become immediately and massively erect, whereupon it is %Iyou%I who will be raped by an unconscious and insensate weks.
Weks Fact #215: A million wekses typing away on a million keyboards could type out their own source code every 136 minutes. Wekses could rapidly fill up the entire Universe, if it wasn't for one limiting factor: Their keyboards become so encrusted with semen that they seize up within 42 minutes.
Weks Fact #216: Wekses form symbiotic relationships with %IRobo papillaviridis,%I another species endemic to DALnet. Wekses are drawn to %IR. papillaviridis'%I shiny, green nipples and will rape the creature relentlessly; in return, the greenip feeds the weks the spammers it hunts.
Weks Fact #217: Their ability to regrow their genitalia makes farmed wekses an inexhaustible supply of animal penises and testicles. However, this is far from a "sustainable" practice, as each weks will belch, fart, and queef out 1.337 tonnes of CO₂ for each penis regrown.
Weks Fact #218: Wekses' vocalizations known as %Iweksong%I are considered by some to be the most beautiful sounds in the Universe. However, when translated into English, it is revealed that weksong is an endless, obscene rant about penises, vaginas, and fucking.
Weks Fact #219: Wekses are ambidextrous. This allows them to write up to nine different things at once, when also taking into account their seven prehensile penises. Unfortunately, the only thing they can %Iactually%I write are "wkwkwkwk", "\@O@/!!", and crude pictures of genitalia.
Weks Fact #220: Weksjizz is a strong sunblock: It works as well as if you were wearing a thick, opaque, sticky white shirt. Unfortunately weksjizz is also a powerful organic solvent, so you will not have any skin 30 seconds after you apply it. But at least you won't sunburn.
Weks Fact #221: COVID-19 affects wekses in a unique way: Within 14 days of infection, their bodies inflate to a nearly spherical shape and they begin growing tiny, nonfunctional penises all over themselves, until they bear a striking resemblance to the SARS-nCoV-2 virus itself.
Weks Fact #222: Placing a face mask on a COVID-19–positive weks serves no purpose, as all nine of their bodily fluids are heavily laden with virus particles. The only solution is to wrap a weks in a plastic bubble, encase it in concrete, and then bury it several metres underground.
Weks Fact #223: A weks suffering from COVID-19 will begin shedding virus particles via all nine of its bodily fluids, at high velocity and in every direction. Wekses are not merely "super-spreaders" but have been dubbed "super-duper-ultra-mega-giga-spreaders" by the CDC and WHO.
Weks Fact #224: An overcaffeinated weks can be used as an all-natural, 100% organic vibrator.
Weks Fact #225: Wekses produce copious amounts of dickcheese throughout the day. Despite its appearance, which depending on many factors can resemble anything from mozzarella to feta to Alfredo sauce to blue cheese, it is not actually cheese and contains no dairy products.
Weks Fact #226: Sending live animals through the mail always carries certain risks, such as starvation or suffocation. Always remember to put air holes in the box when you ship a weks: The number one cause of weks death in transit is drowning in their own semen.
Weks Fact #227: Pet wekses cannot be spayed or neutered. Much like the many-headed Hydra of Greek legend, their severed genitals grow back within days, and often two (or more) grow back in place of each one that was removed. It quickly becomes impossible for the veterinarian to keep up.
Weks Fact #228: If you ever need to approach a pair of horny wekses, OSHA recommends the following personal protective equipment (PPE): goggles, earplugs, earmuffs, two hard hats, titanium-toed boots, a respirator, asbestos gloves, a level 4 biohazard suit, and a rolled-up newspaper.
Weks Fact #229: Weksjizz is a unique organic chemical: It is flammable, explosive, corrosive, caustic, highly toxic, psychotropic, hallucinogenic, carcinogenic, mutagenic, teratogenic, radioactive, and also highly nutritious and delicious.
Weks Fact #230: Some particularly blue-haired DALnet users have taken issue with users putting their sex in their nicks. Whereas wekses will never put their sex in their nicks, they %Iwill%I put their semen in your eye from 400 yards.
Weks Fact #231: A weks can rape anything. It doesn't discriminate. It will rape animals, plants, and even inanimate objects. The only thing that can stop a weks from raping is another weks: They have been known to engage in homosexual acts with each other to prevent further rapes.
Weks Fact #232: Contrary to the documentary "Human Centipede," wekses %Ican%I be daisy-chained together to feed off other wekses' feces. These chains can be up to 40 wekses long, and what emerges from the final weks' anus is, curiously enough, fit for human consumption.